Letters & Testimonies

Thank you, Glenda - Sabrina Maneri

I have been sexually abused, twice at 9 and 13 and then raped by two men at 17. I grew up on the "get over it" phrase, not because that's what my mother told me, though that was my surroundings, never talking about issues, ignoring the obvious and putting band aides on everything. I also thought it was normal, most of my teenage friends came from broken homes, single parents, all did drugs and have either been raped, sexually abused or physically abused as children. Again an environment of "get over it." We masked our struggle and pain with drugs and alcohol. As a child into my late teens I was always surrounded by drugs and a partying atmosphere, so from the age of 14-22 all I did was party and get high. I do believe that I could've made the choice to not follow the examples that were around me, but I didn't, I found momentarily comfort in the wrong, I had a distorted reality, my view on how a dad should be or a normal and good family came from TV shows and movies.
 
I have mutilated my self once when my mother got mad at me and I couldn't have my way. I have boiled a pot of water and poured it on my hand so that I get attention from my mom and others around me. I would run away from home just because my friends would run away, one of the many times I ran away, I moved away with a boyfriend and after a couple of months I finally called my mom to tell her where I was. At 16 I dropped out of high school. Many times even as a Christian I thought of suicide, I even once put a gun to head in front of a guy I moved away with and I remember seeing him back away so he wouldn't get blood on himself. I was rejected by most men unless I gave them sex and if I did then they would reject me. I've been called many things, when those two men raped me and I was walking away scared and still very stoned from the drugs they gave me, they yelled out "your a whore, your a slut." I would cling to almost every man I got involved with. I couldn't stand being alone, not necessarily with out a man but alone in general. I found comfort around chaos and noise. I was full of rage, some little thing would set me off and always lashed out on those who I loved, many times resulting in physical confrontations.
 
At the age of 18 I started admiring the women who worked in strip clubs. When I started dancing at the clubs, I was very shy, so the only thing I like to do was dance. Taking my clothes off for a dollar was like ripping off a band aide. I only did this off and on for a year. Before my 21st Birthday while I was still doing this, my life flipped upside down. Jesus introduced Himself to me, but my struggle wasn't over yet. When Jesus came into my life He took everything away, I quit my job; things going on in my family were not the best. I struggled to find another job, I had no money, I was being evicted, and no where to go. But He made a way and provided.
 
For a very long time and even now I never thought that what I went through was that bad, it only started to get bad when I started to make decisions for my self. I would hear stories of girls and what they had been through and thought I had no reason to complain. But what I have realized is that no matter how small or great our pain and struggle is, Jesus really does care.
 
A pastor was praying for me, and gave me a word. What I remember most about what he said, was that I would minister to women but first I needed to be healed. I knew exactly what he was talking about.
 
When the Lord began to heal me, so many emotions and tears came that I never had before. For days I would cry and in the process of Him bringing up all this stuff I buried I started to question Him. I started to question His love for me, I just couldn't understand this one thing, that He says He is our Father and I just always thought that fathers protected their children. I asked why (like so many ask), I became very angry at God. But no matter how angry I was at Him, He just showed His love. During this time people just walked up to me and told me that God loved me and they had no idea what I was going through, and of course I didn't want to receive it. My pastor would just hug me and every time he hugged me I would just fall apart. I remember one day praying and saying how can I be mad at You when You love me so much and my anger towards Him stopped and so did all the emotions that came with it.
 
I have read about forgiveness in the Bible but I never realized how much unforgiveness I was holding inside of me, so I never forgave those who did wrong against me. God began to heal me of the wounds these men left in me but it never dawned on me to forgive them.
A month or so later, Glenda Watson, a wonderful woman in Christ came as a speaker to our church and taught on forgiveness and how it's a major part in how God heals and restores you. I can't begin to tell you the freedom I received after she spoke.
 
Everyday when I woke up or whenever it popped into my head, I would say "Father in the name of Jesus I forgive those men or that man." I even started having painful memories of the things that happened with my mother and I would forgive her too. I don't believe the Lord is done healing me, But my eyes are open to see that I have to forgive, and His love for me is GREAT!
 
Thank you, Glenda.

Sabrina Maneri
woundedwomen.com

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